Hi and welcome on this forum. I don't think Joplin does everything you need but maybe the best for you is to give it a try. Specifically:
Vibrate on IOS when there is a reminder (with ringer off)
There are reminders but not sure if they vibrate as I don't have an iOS device to test.
Not require cloud services (so that I can control my data).
You will need a cloud service for iOS, either Dropbox, OneDrive, any NextCloud provider or you can setup your own server.
Ideally, sync with laptop though firewire-USB cable (the one for charging the iPhone) so no wireless is involved.
Or if not, sync with wifi switched on.
Sync via wifi will work, but again via a cloud provider.
Dictate voice reminders (without saying ‘hey siri’ but clicking a microphone button instead)
This is not currently supported.
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